decisions

it's quite depressing that u put hope on something that u really really want but also knowing that the possibilities sangatla tipis.

sometimes what we really want didnt turn out to be a good thing after all.

so how do we know if it's really what we want?

decisions. confuse betul.

like in my case, i am so hoping to work in a company dealing with personal care products. specifically maybe in Unilever. but knowing that my qualifications is not good enough to be in that kind of big company, agak frustrating la jugak. menyesal pun ade. hmph.

and then this MPOB thing. i met up with the Timbalan Ketua Pengarah of MPOB(long story short, my dad's friend is a friend of her) and we talk about projects handled by them (they did a lot on personal care products and the place is so big and byk gile facilities. teruja!). and then she asked me to meet up with the Ketua Unit of the division yg buat bendalah ni. so i met up with her and we had a loooong chat. she's a very nice lady. sangat baik! so agak hoping la ade keje kosong. and she said "ooh we have enough researchers already. but if ade vacancy, i'll let u know. u can email me or u can just check online" then came up the question, "so what is your result?". "2nd class lower. sikiiit lagi nk upper". "ohh okey. but actually we prefer org yg ade 2nd degree. takut u tak boleh cope nnti. u know, org yg wat 2nd degree dh biase wat research. so bile keje, it wont be a problem. buat research ni u kene betul2 focus tau. we only guide u sikit2 je. u have to do it on ur own. independently. and what we do is not just the formulation. we have to come up with a new ingredients...the chemical bonding..bla bla bla bla..." and she goes on and on, showing all her projects and whatever. fuhh agak menjatuhkan sikit la confidence level gua.

i'm thinking, "shit. can i do this?" and then mcm tau2 je kan. "ohh i'm not gonna discourage u ke ape. i just nk bagitau u how doing research is all about". no wonder my friends that pursued masters said they have no life.

so since takde vacancy, the only option is to pursue masters and then apply a scholarship provided by MPOB. in a way, i'll be doing my research there jugak la.

although interested la jugak, tp cuak and tak confident sangat that i'll be able to do it. i'm worried that this end up not my thing. at the same time, i wanna work. i want an income. but i want a job that i enjoy doing it. i want a job of my interest.

*sigh* decisions decisions..

which way should i go?

i want something challenging but i'm scared i'm not gonna be happy. and i think being happy is so important in anything u do. the ppl around jugak. sumber2 motivasi nie.

ughhh. so i'm still confuse.

i so wanna be a sucessfull career woman but it's a looong looong way to go. i cant even make one simple decision. *sigh*