struggling

ppl may wonder how my life has been after what happened. to be honest, i've been struggling. physically and emotionally. now i have a lot of responsibilities. a lot of work to do. i have to be my mum. i have to take care of the family. i have to prepare meals for dinner (or beli je lauk :P , susah2 mkn luar je). i have to wash the clothes. i have to kemas the rumah. hoh macam2 la. now i know how it's like to be a mother. well, almost la kan.

now balik rumah rase sunyi sangat. normally i would watch tv with my mum at night. tgk drama sambil borak2. oh i miss that. i talk to my mum about almost everything. i dont talk much with my dad or my brothers. i mean, tak cite sangat la. slalu cite ngn my mum. whenever i have problems, i would talk to her. nk cite to my dad and bro, terase pelik pulak. and they never understand pun. biaselah. deaorg ni takde perasaan. buang mase je kalau cite pun.

but i'm okey. i didnt expect myself to be this strong pun. i'm proud of myself. but kalau teringat tu, breakdown jugak la kan. i think it's normal. i just need some time. i know i can get through this.

talking about responsibilities, i wonder how am i gonna be a wife kalau sekarang pun dah terkial2. how am i gonna be a mum? oh my god. gile scary. sure lagi byk tanggungjawab. i'm not gonna get married soon. or at least i think so. i dont think i'm ready yet.

the reason i started to think about this stuff is cuz it's the topic of the month at my office. haha. this few weeks tak abis2 cite pasal kawin, kawin, kawin. hanging out with the boys (cuz i'm the only girl there) is kinda interesting. byk blaja from them. yerla kan, most of them are already married pun. we share boys perspective and girls perspective. obviously, most of the time i dikalahkan la. duh! but they're the best cliques ever. :)

sharing their experiences make me realize that marriage needs a lot of patience. cuz banyak gile la responsibilities kan. different ppl, different experience. i think everyone's struggling in their marriage. but it works anyway and that what makes it interesting. my idea of getting married is to be with someone u love every single day. u always feel someone is there for u. :)

i guess kalau dh strugling sekarang, i'll be better in the future. a good practise la jugak kan. for now, i have to focus on my current responsibilities. ugghh. i just hate that word.

mocca was awesome!

went to the mocca's gig last nite with puchi. its an indonesian indie band by the way. they were awesome! and all the local indie bands were great too. i love the rhaman, estrella and also funky doryz. they were super cute! i had fun!

although tersangatla sakit badannnye cuz we were standing there from around 5.30 to around 10. letih! but i'm so happy! dh lame tak have fun mcm ni. i went to work today with a big smile on my face. ntahla knape i feel so happy. before this mcm asyik emo je la kan. terkenangkan arwah and everything. my cliques pun mcm pelik je tgk. haha! maybe because all the songs yesterday was so happy-happy one. put me in a happy mood too la. :)

oh just listen to them.

I MISS U SO MUCH

Pertama kali aku tergugah
Dalam setiap kata yang kau ucap
Bila malam tlah datang
Terkadang ingin ku tulis semua perasaan

Kata orang rindu itu indah
Namun bagiku ini menyiksa
Sejenak ku fikirkan untuk ku benci saja dirimu
Namun sulit ku membenci

Pejamkan mata bila kuingin bernafas lega
Dalam anganku aku berada disatu persimpangan jalan yang sulit kupilih

Ku peluk semua indah hidupku
Hikmah yang ku rasa sangat tulus
Ada dan tiada cinta bagiku tak mengapa namun ada yang hilang separuh
diriku

*a song by melly goeslow called 'Bimbang' which is soo menggambarkan how i feel rite now. pfft.

oh my god.

i have a feeling that freaks me out.

i'm scared.

i dont wanna be hurt anymore.

ever since my mum was sick, he's been caring and supportive. until now, he take care of me. when i'm feeling down over my mum's death, he took me out and cheered me up. i really need that kind of comfort. he's been a realy good fren.

now i feel different. but i'm scared. exspecially the fact that he's 10 years older than me. how could we possibly be together? i dont wanna put hope for it. just go with the flow.

but seriously, i'm terified just thinking about it.