Postgraduate.

Makin tua, makin lah malas & xde bende nk di blog. tak gitu? ok maybe just me. 

nothing much lately. just after my experiments failed, i need to find new informations to cover up my research. sort of like change the scope a bit, add-ons, to make the research i'm doing more..well..'bermakna'. i was sad at first, rasa mcm ya allah 2 tahun buat pastu takde hasil yg 'bermakna'. tp masih di tahap mempositifkan diri utk berjuang. cewah. 'sikit je lagi..'. keep telling myself that. walaupun time schedule dh lari sikit, i still wanna target to finish it by this year. altho kebarangkalian utk supervisor drag kt tu ada. 

kdg2 tu mmg rasa mcm loser gile. ape je lah aku dpt from 2 years of studies nih. rs useless kdg2. never participate in any conference before sbb xde results yg 'bermakna' (ok i jelah tau maksud 'bermakna' tu ape kot). have one conference in langkawi on july which i am scheduled to participate tp entahlahh mcm malu je nk masuk dgn results tahape hape. 

sejak zaman skolah lagi i always feel inferior. rasa sungguh kerdil diriku. i'm this type of girl yg sgt lah blur, yg susah nk faham something, yg lampi, yang tk boleh nk fikir & solve secara spontan. even smpai skrg masih ada all these things. surrounded pulak dgn kwn2 yg pandai2. lagi2 pulak ade colleague yg start masters later than me tp die dh nk habis dh. mak rasa sgt down la noks. 

tp takpelah. susah2 dulu, senang2 kemudian ye dak? *sedapkan hati* walaupun rasa jealous tgk kwn2 yg dh ade successful jobs & financially stable. i want that. i wanna have that feeling of 'successful & stable'. i wanna be a successful chemist. i wanna feel proud of myself. i think i'm far from that now.

tp tulah. this is the journey that i chose so i have to deal with it. actually seronok jd student, learn new things, flexible times. yg tk bestnya bile x dpt results yg di cari & the other thing financial la kot. have to berjimat cermat sbb duit pun cukup2 makan. 

sooner or later i will graduate. insyaallah. i'm targeting this year but gonna leave it to takdir. just go with the flow and enjoy life. cuz sblm ni target pastu frust. same goes with marriage smue. before this been targeting to get married at so and so time and graduate at so and so time lepas tu tk dpt, i feel frustrated. so now i'll try not to mengharap sgt. Allah tahu mane lebih baik kan? so chill je lah. i'm still young. *sedapkan hati lagi* 

anyway check out phdcomics.com for laughs. (comics for masters/phd students)

and oh, they have a movie too! sangatlah something i can relate to!

"not yet but within the year"

when i found out about this trailer, i laughed. this is so similar to what me & syib are experiencing. i can definitely relate to that! the delay, the things that been going on, challenges, the people around that keep asking, ppl worried about not being able to attend the wedding etc.

sama doh.

of course i haven't seen the movie and it's not even released yet i think. but i kinda have the idea of what's the story about.

i hope we won't be engaged that long. amin!

she loves him.

i gotta say i'm proud of my fiance for having his works recognised by the top photographer in Malaysia, Saiful Nang. i mean, how exciting is that? and then to be given a job by him? wow wow wee. His landscape photos has improved a lot now. although i tak reti la sgt nk appreciate photos deeply & details like him kan. but i can see the potential. lebih2 lagi, dh ber'kawan' dgn Saiful Nang skrg. who knows he can be a landscape/travel photographer then i can go travel with him! Eh?

alhamdulillah. consider it rezeki for him. and for us too. lebih byk dpt job, lebih income, then can kawin! yeay! but then obviously he'll be busy with his job than with me. :(

haih sacrifices i guess.

a friend once posted a quote:

"kesetiaan perempuan diuji bila lelaki itu tidak mempunyai apa-apa, kesetiaan lelaki diuji bila dia mempunyai segalanya"

so true isn't it?

i feel like this is one of the biggest challenges for me. to stay with him & support him no matter what. kalau ikutkan bisikan2 yg x brape elok, mmglah slalu je rasa kan best kalau i met up with someone yg kaya, yg more stable. x payah nk tunggu lama2 and frustrated every time. but then x semestinya yg kaya & stable tu will make me happy. besides, mcmlah ade org kaya nak kat aku. :P

i guess this is the time God wants me to learn rasa susah. plus mr fiance works really hard and i have to thank him for that. and i have to be really really bersyukur.

i can't wait to be married to him and i hope our marriage will work. hopefully soon. insyaallah. pretty pls doakan. :)

acceptance

last weekend i had a mamak-ing session with my sis-in-law. yeap just the two of us. my brother fell asleep while waiting for her to finish her work. lol.

anyway, it's nice to have that conversation with her. first time after a while, i had someone to talk to about things that i felt uncomfortable talking to other ppl. kind of sisterly talk kinda thing, whatever that means. i never had a sister so yeah.

we talked maturely about family issues mostly. like how there are times that me & my brothers felt a lil bit hard to accept the new 'mum'. not that she's bad or anything but maybe it's still new and we're trying to adapt to changes.

my dad has always been the kind of person who is not so sensitive, not good in communicating with us that at times we felt frustrated. but considering the way my dad had been brought up (without a father & without a real close family rltnship), it's understandable. Dad has always been in boarding schools and all so he grows up independently without proper family bonding.

i didn't like to tell a lot about this to ppl. cuz i know ppl will tend to judge my father and i don't like that. only we the siblings can judge him because we know him better. or at least i know him better. my brothers mmg x pernah nk amik pedulik. communicate pn susah. so don't ask them. lol.

i know ppl keep asking me if i'm okey that it becomes annoying now. stop that already!

anyway so the talk comes to the frustration of not getting married soon and all, stress of my studies (tht i have to change my scope), travelling experience, our dreams and so on. sad and happy.

i learn something. if i cannot accept things now the way they are, i surely cannot move forward. and i surely cannot be happy with what i have now.

and i have to learn to control my emotions because i suck at it.

so in the hope of finishing my masters this year, get a job, get married, hv kids and getting a happy family, let's have that positive vibe on! insyaallah.

p/s: no idea what's the objective of this post. just for the sake of updating. lols!

just for fun.

i am now on tumblr. :)

mzhana.tumblr.com

bye 2011, hello 2012.

pejam celik, we're already in the year 2012. this year i'm going to be 27! yikes!

anyway, new year's eve was celebrated like always. bbq & potluck, quality time with the usuals at my place. chilled out and watched fireworks from home sweet home by midnight. nothing much but i like it.

i think 2011 has taught me a lot about patience and to be thankful. i'm still learning though, but i think i'm more positive now than before. alhamdulillah.

dad got married middle of the year and my brother just got married recently. as for me, i am now engaged to syib for a year already. takde rezeki lagi to kawin but i guess God knows what's best for us. some of my friends are already planning to get married or even planning to have a baby. i got jealous a lil bit but oh well, no need to be so dramatic about it. harapan smoge dimurahkan rezeki for this year and wishing all the happiness for my friends. :)

some of my 'azams':

1. to study & work hard on my research to finish labworks by middle year.

2. nk jadi org yg lebih beriman.

3. to not sleep after subuh for a refreshing day?-yang ni lemah sikit. (i'm sooo not a morning person)

4. to be more positive and less dramatic/negative.

5. to be more healthy (eat well & exercise more? hmm let's see)

6. to be more happy with everything that i have.

amin amin. hope i can do this.

things that i look forward to this year:

1. hani's wedding. (glad to be her pengapit :) )

2. sue's bertandang in kl @ saloma bistro.

that's it for now. teehee. may this year brings more joy and happiness for me, mr fiance, my family and my dearest friends! amin. :)

christmas eve.

selesai sudah majlis my brother on christmas eve. so tired that the next day i slept almost the whole day. lols. now i know how tiring it can be to plan a wedding. can be stressfull too. kene byk sabar and tolak ansur. but it's quite fun lah.

it's the first time experience for our family since my brother is the anak sulung. glad everything turned out well. except for lambat start and keep ppl waiting cuz the vip lambat smpai and some problems with the catering. since it's the christmas weekend, i guess everyone is either balik kampung or just going out for shopping that it causes massive traffic jam. sbb tu ramai lambat sampai to the wedding bcuz of the traffic. apart from that, alhamdulillah the flow that we rehearse byk kali was okey.

but what i can suggest is, try not to do a wedding on school holidays or festive holidays or musim kahwin. one thing traffic jam, another thing the caterer was short of staffs. i think bcuz they have other events as well.

it's a good thing for me bcuz now i have the experience of wedding planning i can plan carefully my own wedding when the time comes. weeeee.

so officially now i have a very talkative sister in law. you just can't stop berborak if u start berborak with her. congratulations again to abang & astra. may they have a wonderfull marriage and beautiful kids so i can have my own anak buah. amin!

p/s: oh i don't hv proper photos of them. let's just wait for the photographer's photo or from my cousin. :)