the fear.

whenever i feel sad, lonely or confuse about anything, it always reminded me of my mum. because she always have better things to say. and she always supported me and giving me ideas even when i don't ask for it. whatever it is that my mum said, i always feel comfort. and i feel what i'm doing is right if she support it. semangat tu lebih if she's there because she always have faith in me. takde orang lain yang boleh faham and guide me thru everything including whatever decisions i make, my career directions, love life, semua la.

maybe i was too close to my mum and that's why i had a hard time trying to live life on my own. a few months after she left, i was lost. kalau boleh hari hari nk lepak with friends. and kalau boleh rase macam nk pindah closer to my cousins and aunties so i can drop by anytime easily. but there's a part of me yg ego jugak. i don't want ppl to see me weak. i want to prove to ppl that i'm strong and i can handle this. so i keep my feelings to myself. kalau sedih, i never really pergi mengadu to anyone because i think it's stupid to still complaining about it when i should let go. normally what i do is motivating myself. keep saying things like "u're strong, hana", "u can do this" and " damn it. stop complaining. be strong and move on, hana!"

i kinda have this phobia after what happen. i'm so afraid to feel that loss again. i don't wanna lose anyone that i love again. at least not now. bile-bile my dad sakit sikit, i try to make sure he checks with the doctor and eats his ubat. thank god my dad exercise regularly and eats right, takdelah risau sangat. sometimes, that fear kuat sangat sampai takut to actually be so close to anyone. or to fall in love.

i try to take it easy. make a lot of friends but takde pun yang close gile. the one who could always be there, anytime, anywhere. maybe ade je but i tend not to be close sangat. sbb dah malas nk layan bende remeh2. buat salah sket, kecik hati. terase hati la. ugh i'm sick of that already. kan senang if we just accept everyone as our bestfrens and no one will get hurt. i mean, i love all my friends and i know where to be at whenever they need help. that's what really matters kan?

i know this is stupid. the fear. but i can't help it. and it's true whenever i get closer to a guy, it freaks me out. like EVERYTIME. tapi tak tunjuk la kan. seriously, tak tipu. but like i said, i try to take it easy. ego la konon. padahal cuak nak mampos.

i never been so afraid in my life before. and it's different dengan perasaan when my mum was sick. takut tu lain dengan takut sekarang. i don't wanna feel that pain anymore. at least bukan dalam masa terdekat.

so i pray for my family's health. i pray for happiness. i pray that God give me strength to face all of this. living life the way it should be and leave the past behind. amiin..