Me vs Mama

*sigh*

I just had a fight with my mum.

It’s about the open hse I plan to do. I asked her if I can do it and she said no. The reason is because…

“nanti mama nk duduk mane?”

”mama nk jln2 buat ape smue tak bebas”

”hana kene cnsider,mama ni bukannye sihat sgt.sakiiit.”

I didn’t ask her to do anything!! Ape kene mengene with her sakit plak?!

And then she told me to just do it at hani’s place because the plan was with hani kan. Yea I don’t mind but it’s just that I really really wanted to do it at my place because my frens smue jarang dtg my house and some of them tak penah masuk pun. padahal dh kwn bertahun. And besides, it was my idea of doing the open hse. Mmg dh lame dh teringin nk wat open hse for my close frens tp be4 this I was in JB rite, so mane ade peluang. Klu wat at hani’s place, it’s not the same feeling anymore. Cuz I was so semangat of having them at my place. So skrg dh tak semangat dah. Dh takde mood dah. I’m actually mad.

Setakat nk ade some close frens kat umah, what’s the big deal?! It’s not like they gonna kacau her. Ok fine. Maybe privacy kurang sket but come on la. Bukannye slalu! Raya je! She said jemput jela dtg. Meaning x pyh wat open hse. X pyh bersiap2 smue. Isn’t it the same?? Nnti they all dtg, same je situasi nyer!

Haih. Tak phm la! Sometimes I just feel that she’s making her sakit sbg alasan. So that I ikut ckp dea. So that I feel guilty. I feel trapped tau. Stucked.

Kenape everything that I do, kene tanye dea dlu? Everything I wat kene dea approve? Mane I pegi kene mintak permission? I’m not a little girl anymore la!! I dah besar.pandaila jage diri. Why must I be someone that she wants me to be? Why can’t I be myself?? Ble pkir balik kan, it’s like everything that i wanted to do in my life tak tercapai because my mum tak kasi. Contohnye, I wanted to panjat gunung or join jungle trekking but my mum wont let me. I wanted to pegi vacation with my frens, my mum wont let me. What can I do then?? My life has been controlled by my mum ever since I was a little girl. Smue bende tak boleh. Ok fine I understand mase kecik, she have to jaga me because I’m a girl. I’m the only girl in the family. And I appreciate it because it made me who I am today. I’m not spoiled, I don’t have social problems and I slalu igt tuhan. But now bile dah besar, I don’t want to be in control anymore. I want to do things on my own. I want to be independent. I want to grow up!

susah tul la. i have my own dreams. i have my things that i want to do and at the same time kene pkir her expectations jugak. camne tuh? trapped in between.

I takde niat pn nk lukakan hati dea ke ape. I mean, i know la for a fact that she’s a mum. She worries about everything. But I just wish she learns to let me go on my own. Let me have a life. I know at this moment, she thinks that I don’t need her. She doesn’t matter anymore. Cuz like I said, she always thinks that way nowadays. Sejak dea sakit nih. But it’s not like that. I need her! I need her to support me. I need her to understand. Sometimes I think she’s being selfish. She thinks about herself je rather than anybody else. Tak penah ke dea terpikir how I feel, how my dad feels, and how my brothers feel. We are struggling too mama. We’re trying hard to be strong and support you. U think things are going to be good if u’re not around? It’s gonna be a disaster. Cuz u are the one who holds this family together.

Haih. Gitula citenye. Panjang lebar.

Next Monday my mum masuk hospital. Doing her supposed-to-be-final treatment. Hopefully. And I myself probably dh stat keje. Like really keje. So mesti jiwa kacau nnti. My dad lak takde. Dea pegi Moscow for work. So I guess I have to handle everything. When my mum is in the hospital, jiwa kacau jela nnti. Tah camne la kan. With me keje lagih.

Oh God. Give me strength. Tolong la jadikan treatment process tu berjalan dgn lancar. And help me with my work too. Amin.