Fear of falling in love

Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it. Love can make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it.So take your time and choose the best.

love can make u happy but often it hurts. this is so true. and that is why i'm so afraid of falling in love or having a relationship. although deep down inside i want it.

i've been there. and it hurts like hell. i dont wanna be hurt anymore.please let the next guy be 'the one'.

:(

why is it so hard to live this life?

can i just skip all the susah-ness and be sucessfull in a blink of an eye?

of course not.but i wish i can.

sometimes i wish to be peter pan. be a child forever and ever.no need to worry about anything.

i cant help it. i worry about things too much. in a negative kind of way.

haih.camnela org bole jadi kuat semangat eh?why can't i be that way?

God, Help me.

it's working time!

i'm excited and nervous as well.

excited to travel and meeting people.

nervous to actually perform my duties.

starting next week, probably i'll be actually doing my job.i have to go to hospitals and clinics and introduce myself and actually do sales.

sometimes i thought to myself, apela gatal sgt gi amik keje sales.but somehow i'm interested in it which i dont even know why. maybe bcuz of the fact that i can meet people and travel. and also actually cuz i wanted to improve my communication skills.kononnyerla.

dahla i ni pemalu orgnyer(ngehehe :P ). jumpe org baru, nk ramah2 ni..haih..susahnyela kan. tp ble dah get to know tuh, should be ok la. i want to buang all the malu-ness and the lembut-ness in me. takdela fully buang kan. nk jadi ape tuh? tp u know what i mean.i'm still trying.

hopefully everything turns out well. hope i can do it. insyaallah.

cuak siot!

i'm scared.i'm freaking scared.

it's like i'm not ready for the real life yet.i'm not ready to be 'berkerjaya' as what some of my frens said. i mean, i want to be successfull tp nk mule bekerja tuh..cuak siot!!

the thing is, i have a very very loooww self esteem. seriously.

be4 this, even worse! but after my mum's sick, i became a lil bit stronger. yerla cuz i have to be strong to make my mum strong.

tp tula..it's like in everything that i do, wat salah sket, i feel teribble already. i feel bad about myself. terase bodoh la, life sucks la.tah pape jela kan.

i need motivation.like serius motivation.something that could make me stronger. something yg bole menguatkan semangat. something that could push me. or maybe someone.

i admire those yg dtg from family yg susah. from kampung. cuz they have motivation. they all bersungguh to study hard and bersungguh carik duit to help their family. unlike me, i dont have that sort of motivation. lagi tension ade la. mcm dibayangi oleh my dad's achivements. ppl would think, why am i not like my father?

maybe its just the way i think. i need to change.

i need help.

yeeah i know.the best help is from myself.i need to help myself.

*sigh*

=)

i feel so stupid about the fight with my mum.after sesi luahan perasaan (sort of) to a fren at work, suddenly terasa sangatla bodoh dan tah papenyer. not to mention terase super duper bersalah. ape taknye?dibukaknye cite psl syurga dan nabi,fuhh gile menyedarkan. tapi takpe, what he said was super duper true. so with his advice which is to ckp baik2 with my mum, i dont know why,suddenly my mum pn kasi wat open hse tuh.and i was so happy and excited!

so tadi was the open house. it was fun! invited my close frens.small gathering je tp meriah!they all lepak lame gak la.from tgh hari until about 6.30 baru balik.sronok sangat.jarang dpt lepak ramai2 camni.yg klakonyer, iye2 bergambar.byk plak tuh.i wanted to upload some of the pics.tp ade problem lak.maybe later.when i look at the pics, they simply make me happy. =)

haih

jiwa kacau.

everytime gaduh with my mum, i feel guilty.

i know i'm wrong. tapi tah.am i?

haih

Me vs Mama

*sigh*

I just had a fight with my mum.

It’s about the open hse I plan to do. I asked her if I can do it and she said no. The reason is because…

“nanti mama nk duduk mane?”

”mama nk jln2 buat ape smue tak bebas”

”hana kene cnsider,mama ni bukannye sihat sgt.sakiiit.”

I didn’t ask her to do anything!! Ape kene mengene with her sakit plak?!

And then she told me to just do it at hani’s place because the plan was with hani kan. Yea I don’t mind but it’s just that I really really wanted to do it at my place because my frens smue jarang dtg my house and some of them tak penah masuk pun. padahal dh kwn bertahun. And besides, it was my idea of doing the open hse. Mmg dh lame dh teringin nk wat open hse for my close frens tp be4 this I was in JB rite, so mane ade peluang. Klu wat at hani’s place, it’s not the same feeling anymore. Cuz I was so semangat of having them at my place. So skrg dh tak semangat dah. Dh takde mood dah. I’m actually mad.

Setakat nk ade some close frens kat umah, what’s the big deal?! It’s not like they gonna kacau her. Ok fine. Maybe privacy kurang sket but come on la. Bukannye slalu! Raya je! She said jemput jela dtg. Meaning x pyh wat open hse. X pyh bersiap2 smue. Isn’t it the same?? Nnti they all dtg, same je situasi nyer!

Haih. Tak phm la! Sometimes I just feel that she’s making her sakit sbg alasan. So that I ikut ckp dea. So that I feel guilty. I feel trapped tau. Stucked.

Kenape everything that I do, kene tanye dea dlu? Everything I wat kene dea approve? Mane I pegi kene mintak permission? I’m not a little girl anymore la!! I dah besar.pandaila jage diri. Why must I be someone that she wants me to be? Why can’t I be myself?? Ble pkir balik kan, it’s like everything that i wanted to do in my life tak tercapai because my mum tak kasi. Contohnye, I wanted to panjat gunung or join jungle trekking but my mum wont let me. I wanted to pegi vacation with my frens, my mum wont let me. What can I do then?? My life has been controlled by my mum ever since I was a little girl. Smue bende tak boleh. Ok fine I understand mase kecik, she have to jaga me because I’m a girl. I’m the only girl in the family. And I appreciate it because it made me who I am today. I’m not spoiled, I don’t have social problems and I slalu igt tuhan. But now bile dah besar, I don’t want to be in control anymore. I want to do things on my own. I want to be independent. I want to grow up!

susah tul la. i have my own dreams. i have my things that i want to do and at the same time kene pkir her expectations jugak. camne tuh? trapped in between.

I takde niat pn nk lukakan hati dea ke ape. I mean, i know la for a fact that she’s a mum. She worries about everything. But I just wish she learns to let me go on my own. Let me have a life. I know at this moment, she thinks that I don’t need her. She doesn’t matter anymore. Cuz like I said, she always thinks that way nowadays. Sejak dea sakit nih. But it’s not like that. I need her! I need her to support me. I need her to understand. Sometimes I think she’s being selfish. She thinks about herself je rather than anybody else. Tak penah ke dea terpikir how I feel, how my dad feels, and how my brothers feel. We are struggling too mama. We’re trying hard to be strong and support you. U think things are going to be good if u’re not around? It’s gonna be a disaster. Cuz u are the one who holds this family together.

Haih. Gitula citenye. Panjang lebar.

Next Monday my mum masuk hospital. Doing her supposed-to-be-final treatment. Hopefully. And I myself probably dh stat keje. Like really keje. So mesti jiwa kacau nnti. My dad lak takde. Dea pegi Moscow for work. So I guess I have to handle everything. When my mum is in the hospital, jiwa kacau jela nnti. Tah camne la kan. With me keje lagih.

Oh God. Give me strength. Tolong la jadikan treatment process tu berjalan dgn lancar. And help me with my work too. Amin.

kesangapan..

i'm so sleepy and tersangatla bosan duk kat opis nih.dr pg ngadap pc cam nk terkeluar dh biji mate.hahaha.biasela baru stat keje.nothing much lagi.dtg opis,duk ngadap pc pastu balik. :P

anyway,met andrew just now.schoolmate dlu.duk dekat je with my office sbnrnye.so since i'm alone,ajak la dea lunch.it was nice meeting up with him.dh lame gile doh tak jumpe.since skola dlu kot.so we were talking about a lot of stuff.he's so different from back then.the best part is cuz dea blanje mkn!ngahahhaha.wish dpt lepak lame lagi.tp tadi pn terlebih mase lunch hour.sronok jumpe kwn lame nih.i wish i could meet up with all my long lost frens.

haa i was ym-ing with hani tadi.we were planning on doing an open house.together.but at one place which is mine.insyaallah.tp tak confirm lg la.still discussing.saje je,i yg rs nk wat open hse and then suddenly hani suggest share duit masak same2.so i thought,bole jugak.fun tau berkumpul ramai2 with close frens.exspecially skrg dh susah nk get together smue skali.time raye ni la baru boleh kot.tgk mcamane.i have to talk 2 my mum 1st.nnti dea membebel plak.sometimes she just wants some privacy at home.

hmm another half an hour to go.cepatla.gue nk balik.kesangapan!

ohh mlm ni nk gi gig They Will Kill Us All @ Laundry.lepak with kaz la kot.andrew pn kate he might gi curve gak.i'm not sure actually.nk gi tgk tp cam takut penat.takde keje pn penat kan.haih.tak phm tul.

menghitung mase..

huhu usha youtube jap ar.

adios

Things i always wanted to do but never did

• learn to play the guitar
• make my own music
• learn japanese language
• go to taman negara
• trekking and caving
• rock climbing
• water rafting
• play futsal regularly(have a team)
• be a good cook(still learning)

It's either i dont have money,not enough motivation or just sbb takde geng to do it. Basically sbb takde geng. So sesape yg agak2 teringin nk wat bendalah2 nih, jemput la gue. :)

i'm back!

setelah sekian lame tak blog or actually blog-delete-blog-delete process, i decided to start blogging again.xtau la tahan smpi bile.LOL.cuz blogging ni sbnrnye ble dh mls tuh mls la kan.huhu.

so..what's new about me?

well,i just got a job.i've been working for about 2 weeks now.how is it?nothing much really.cuz blum dpt keje yg btul2.just training2 je lagih.today is the 4th day of raya and i have to work.work la sangat kan.tak buat pape pun.sebab tuh blog nih.smue still cuti.tinggal me and the akak admin.so nk training mendenye?menyangap jela.hahaha.my office is at kelana jaya centre point.it's a small company selling medical devices.i work as a sales executive.so basically..tukang jual brg la.i dont even know if i can do it.cuak gak!dhla tak reti nk berckp.but what i love about the job is cuz byk berjalan.i have to travel a lot.meeting ppl.ditambah plak ngn org2 di sini yg sgtla baik.so far so good la.lps ni xtaula mcmane.hopefully i can do it.my mum tak approve sgt actually.klu boleh dea nk suh berenti skrg.she risau sgt cuz i have to travel smue.on my own in the future.but i ignore her.i guess dea kn pkir gak.i've grown up.i'm not a child anymore.i can take care of myself.at least,let me give it a try.klu takleh,carila keje lain. :P

my mum pn nowadays cepat bnor terase.terlebih sensitif.maybe cuz dea dh tinggal umah sesorg.kesian gak.but what to do?pastu ade la a few problems.cam dea tak suke my work.and then my brother nk amik master which involves something yg cam xde kene mengene with his field.so my mum cam tak approve gak.mcm2 la.so she feels like her opininons doesnt matter anymore.xde org kisah psl dea.lebih baik dea mati.something like that la.haih.sedih gak ble dea pkir camtu.tapi..adui..susah tul hidup nih.nk pkir diri sniri.nk pkir mak bpk jugak.and she said i tak pentingkan family.like..helloooo..i think about my family all the time.everytime i smayang,i pray for my mum.i pray that penyakitnye disembuhkan.i pray dea dipanjangkan umur.i pray supaya kuatkan semangat dea.and dea bole ckp camtu?haih takpela.sbg anak,bersabar jela.syurga di bwh tapak kaki ibu yer dak?

life is complicated kan?camne pun,kene go through gak.

ya allah ya tuhanku,kuatkanla semangatku dan tabahkanla hatiku menempuh segala dugaan yg kau berikan.amin.