new year's resolution

think positive

be stronger

never let people look down on me

be independent

be myself and never let ppl change me for who i am

goodbye 2007

what a year.

i think this year paling tough for me. byk ketensionan berlaku. that includes..

being a final year student. bapak tension sial! with the thesis and lotsa assignments. brape kali la rase nk terjun bangunan. breakdown byk kali. struggling nk abiskan. alhamdulillah i did it. my graduation day was one of the happiest day of my life. :)

my mum dpt leukemia. first time i know about it, i was at JB and i cried when my father told me on the phone. i was so scared at that time. when my dad told me i can't speak to her because she was having difficulties in breathing (kene gune oxygen supply), i freak out. mule la pkir macam2. plus ditambah ngn tension thesis smue lagi and maybe cuz i was missing her so bad (this year jarang balik kl sgt), lagila down kan. luckily ade my frens there who always make me smile. thanx korang!

during that time, lagila rase cepat2 nk abiskan study. besides mmg dh tak tahan, nk habiskan cepat bcause tak saba nk balik and meet my mum. she was okey. she still is. alhamdulillah. so balik kl tuh adalah satu perasaan yg sgt la bestnye!

4 months i've been a penganggur berjaya. gile bosan. asyik2 gi shopping and lepak. shopping and lepak. haha. no doubt it was fun la kan. and me and my mum were spending so much time together. almaklumla due org je kat umah. oh and i got a car! perodua viva. lagila merayap je keje kan. dh dpt kete sniri katakan. :P

ade konflik berlaku with me and my fren. i was so close to her. but then since she got a boyfriend, jarang gile la kan nak jumpe. messages pun tak reply la. mmg dh takde time for me cuz she spent most of her time with her bf. so mase tuh sangat terkilan la. i came out with satu pernyataan that ' i dont beleive in the term bestfren anymore' and dea pulak terase. so pendekkan crite, we actually work things out. dah back to normal(normal ke?). but i still confuse in the term 'bestfren'. i dont know klu ade pun org yg layak dipanggil bestfren. still thinking..hmm..

i got a job at kelana jaya. sales executive. mase tuh cam tak pkir. as long as i got a job. dh agak desperate la kan. i can't do it really. i had a hard time working there. but i gain experience la. luckily i got an offer at sg buloh as a chemist. and so far i'm loving it. thanx to sue!

i had a crush on a guy. but aku direject! ceh! but it doesnt matter. i think i deserves someone better. but it was nice knowing him and it's a nice experience.

i've learn a lot dr smue pengalaman nie. we learn from our mistakes. and klu takde ketensionan, takde kesedihan, kt tak blaja kan? and i beleive that smue ni make myself stronger and also make me closer to GOD.

manusia hanya merancang, tuhan yang menentukan

happy new year everyone!

gile takde life weyh!

bosan!bosan!

i hate working life. dahla working 5 and a half days a week. sabtu pun kene keje. the only day yg btol2 off is sunday. meng'limit'kan my social life. and it's freaking exhausting. dh lame tak meng'enjoy'kan diri. keje keje keje.*sigh* camne la ppl can work on weekends jugak? tak bosan ke?

at the moment, i feel like i want to just duduk kat umah and sleep sleep and sleep. hahaha. and also go to gigs and stuff. or a vacation. :P

but this is part of life kan? time blaja iyo2 nk keje. dh keje, tak suke plak. hm i guess sbb baru nk bermule kehidupan yg baru. i need time to cope with it.

smile hana! enjoy it and u'll be fine.

bile nk kawin??

apesal u still single?knape tak carik pakwe?bile nk kawin?

haih. soalan2 yg sangat ku menyampah. even though itulah soalan2 favourite org tanye (even myself) bile jumpe kwn2 yg lame tak jumpe. tak gitu? and it's like typical questions for ppl around my age. the 20-an ppl. expecially for us girls, it's like we're supposed to get married at this age or at least have a boyfriend. loceng dh nk bunyi la konon2nye. i myself feel i'm still young to get married. rase mcm budak2 je lagi. enjoy2 je lagi. can't picture myself handling responsibilities if i be somebody's wife. scary siot. i don't feel i'm layak pun. i don't feel that i'm gonna be a good wife yet.

last saturday i went to fairuza & apis's wedding. they were my seniors and the girl is my close fren's sister. mcm tak percaye je dieorg dh kawin. at the age of 24, they've already building a family. another couple of the same age, senior jugak, dh ade 2 ke 3 org anak dah. rase mcm baru je tgk kegila-gilaan deaorg kat skola dlu. terase tua la pulak kan ble tgk mereka2 nie. sedar tak sedar, we've all grown up. after the weddding, we were discussing psl kawin2 ni la. imagining how it would be like if one of our geng get married. who's gonna get married first la. mcm2. and all the question's i've said be4 came up la kan. i myself obviously la kan kene carik calon dlu baru bole kawin.

i would say most of my frens dh ade partner. boyfriends and girlfriends. i je yg still single. that's why sometimes i feel a bit lonely la. cuz dh susah nk hang out mcm dlu2. smue bz with pakwe masing2. but i don't feel lonely sbb takde pakwe but i feel lonely sbb rase cam takde kwn. sometimes i said. not all the time. at least i still have them as my friends. but seeing them happy with their partners, jealous gak kekadang. nak jugak! LOL. and they all smue pun dh actually thought of getting married. i guess ble dh jumpe yg sesuai, u don't actually feel scared about it anymore.

i kinda beleive in soulmates. i beleive that setiap org mesti ade partner. jodoh di tangan tuhan. it's just a matter of time. ade yg cepat ade yg lambat. so i just have to wait. i know i'll find someone. my friend at work once asked me, "hana bile nk kawin?" and i said "tak tau". and then another friend at work said "kawin pun tatau bile.." i said "yelaa..calon pn takde camne nk tau kawin bile?" He's 27 and he said he's gonna get married at the age of 35 ke brape tah. lupe dah. dh ade target la. i asked camne klu takde calon jugak mase tuh. he simply answered "mesti ade punye.." i like his confidence. confident gile la akan ade calon. yesterday pun we had a small talk about the same topic. he said "Dh mmg termaktub. kt akan jumpe punye teman hidup kite."

i actually agree with him. :)

i am happy :)

i am happy now. am enjoying my work so far. i have a not-so-perfect but happy family. am blessed with a lot of friends. and being single is not a reason for me to not being happy. it's stupid to complaint about not having the one i want so bad in my life. if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. i deserve someone better. i will meet someone. i know i will. this is part of GOD's plan to make me a better person in order to meet a better person. org baik akan dpt org yg baik kan?

ini ujian Allah, kt kene la tabah beb

benci!

benci!benci!

go away oh this stupid feeling! why am i still mengharap to something i know i can't have? shoohh! go away!

i just wanna be happy. and i'm loving this shayne ward's song rite now. a good distraction.

let's dance, babe.

friends?

Horoscope

Cancer: You'll be tempted to say something you really shouldn't. Resist! You'll regret it if you say too much..

it's true. i regret.

but i guess we just couldn't understand each other . well, at least i've tried to understand u. i hope u understand. i just hate that our friendship is ruined for something that i've done. i didn't expect u to take it damn seriously. Now it's up to u to keep the friendship growing. i just want u to know that it was nice knowing u and it was one of the best parts of my life. u make me smile even just for a while..

if u think i'm not strong, u're wrong. i'm getting stronger now and i'm proud of myself. u'll see. and i thank u for giving me support all this while. it was u who inspires me but now u lose faith in me. u think i'm not gonna a better person? i'll prove it to u one day. too bad u couldn't accept me for who i am because i accepted u for who u are. i am who i am. i'm just being myself. i cannot be someone that u want me to be.

enuff said. i wish u all the best.

i'm just like you

what's so good about being a kerabat?what's so good about being anak dato'?what's so good about being rich?does it make u happy?

NO.

i always hated the fact that i am a kerabat. i describe myself as a 'kerabat murtad' cuz i dont give a damn about it. living with a family with lots of protocols really kills me. u think it's fun going to istana? it's damn boring. having dinner with org2 besar istana, raja muda whatsoever or tuanku, u need to be sooo sopan, so menjaga tata tertib and so not being yourself. i rather pergi makan kt mamak where ppl don't care how u eat and sit. that's why i'm not rapat with my belah ayah punye family cuz this 'menjaga tata tertib' thingy buatkan mcm ade this sort of gap between us. sort of boundaries. mcm ade dinding menghalang. rapat gitu2 jela. but nk mesra lebih2 takdela. because when we gather together, mane bole 'huha huha' sangat. if u know what i mean. but then again, i know i shouldn't hate it, i should bersyukur instead. Maybe ade sbb Allah lahirkan me in a kerabat family. Everything happens for a reason rite?

but i don't like it when the moment ppl know my name, they'll be like.."oh tunku..kerabat ni..bahaya ni..takutnye..". and the moment they know where i live, they'll be "ooohh tmn tun..org kaye nii.." and when they know my dad's a dato', well..u get the picture. i hate it.

i don't like ppl bg pandangan yg i'm so high standard because i'm not. i'm just a normal person struggling to live this life just like everybody else. so why does ppl have to make this darjat or standard thingy such a big deal? i don't feel like i'm lebih from anybody. i feel the same. i'm not the kerabat yg mcm tunku zara tuh. see, my family ni mcm kerabat yg tak ikut sgt, ppl dont know us pun. maybe bacause we live in kl. and we dont really go back to alor setar that often. so kekerabatan tu mcm takde makne sgt la. pegi istana pn time raye je. and klu ade event apape but jarang la we go cuz event2 ni slalunye kat kedah. but since my dad become a dato', slalu la gak dpt jemputan menyambut kat airport la apela. things like that. but i never go. me and my siblings slalu je mengelak dr pegi. cuz we hate it. even my mum hate it. but then sbg isteri, dea ikut la. so that's the kerabat life of us.

and to say that i'm kaya, i don't think so. sure my dad got a lot of money. but duit tu tak turun sgt to us. my dad ni a bit kedekut. His money is HIS money. His concept is, he works hard to get a lot of money, so if u want money, learn how hard it to get it. so dr kecik we save our money. nk harapkan my dad, no way. i'm not like family yg mintak la duit kat ayah, sure bagi punye, and klu bagi smpi ratus2. my dad nk bg rm50 pn susah. nk mintak barang, ade due time je. time ni mintak la ape nk mintak. time raye and time birthday. birthday la normally. raye slalunye if nk beli baju, kasut and stuff. kire baju raye gak la tu but actually baju jalan. so we siblings often klu nk apape, time birthday la mintak. nk mintak yg mahal2 time ni la amik kesempatan. but klu mase2 lain, jgn harap la. so that's why we save our money. at least i do ever since skola. from the duit blanje, duit raye, i simpan sket2. smpi skrg pun, i depend on my gaji la nk duit. so klu nk compare, compare gaji la. klu gaji same je, x pyhla nk kate i'm kaya. cuz that's the only source i have. maybe klu rase pn, through family activities la. mcm pegi mkn ke,pegi holiday ke, u get the chance to pegi tmpt mahal2 sket cuz my dad yg bayar. LOL.

i don't care about all this. what makes me happy is to have my loved ones around me. i don't care nk kawan ngn sape pun. budak kampung ke budak bandar ke. u slekeh mcamane pun, i dont care. as long as ur sincere. to be honest, i actually prefer being frens with budak kampung cuz they are sincere. sure they not as standard or high profile as the KL-ites, but i dont know why, i prefer being frens with them cuz they're not hypocrites like most of the ppl living in the city. terlalu terikut with the KL life when it's soo not urself. and i hate it when guys mcm takut to have a relationship with me because i'm 'anak org berada' and ' i'm a kerabat' and they're not layak for me. Come on la, i tak kesah pn. even my kakak sedaras married normal ppl. kampung boy some more. what's the big deal?

maybe cuz i've been friends with org2 yg sederhana je. not yg kaye raye, yg high profile. i byk jugak kawan2 from kampung and just sederhana ppl. that's why i feel mcm ni. the kelebihan (if u say so) yg i ade make it feels like a kekurangan when i'm around them.

kesimpulannye, i'm just normal. takde beza from anybody else.

i'm just like you.

ecah's bbq

here are some of the pics..


the girls

the food

the UTM friends

the high school frens pt 1

the high school frens pt 2

penatness!!

so dah sminggu keje at a new place. not bad. puas hati jugak la. cuz the job mmg application from ape yg i blaja from my degree. keje nye pn tak stress. quite senang. cume nk get to know the process and the reaction of the material preparation tu amik mase sket la. the ppl pun okey. altough mcm minah kilang (mmg keje kilang pn, pakai pn tshirt company,jeans and sneakers je), tapi takpe, minah kilang yg ade degree and gaji yg setimpal.haha.

bile keje ni la baru rase penat giler. banding ngn previous job, just kuar2 jumpe customer je. klu tak kuar, duk kat opis menyangap.so tak rase sgt. tadi blk from work pn, i slept for 3 hours. haha. penat ok!

so i hope this job will be ok for me la. Insyaallah. Amin..

........

i hate that i keep thinking about u

i hate that i always dream about u

i hate that i feel nervous when i'm around u

i hate that your smile always make my day

i hate that i always wish u look my way

i hate that i don't even know why i'm attracted to u

i hate that i actually beleive u like me too

i hate that everytime i received an sms, i wish it was u

i hate that i cried because i don't have a chance to be with u

i hate that i want to spend time more time with u

i hate that i want u to want me

i hate that even though i've only known u for like 2 months, i already fall for u

i hate that even though we have nothing in common, i still want u

i hate that i have this feeling

i hate that i don't hate u

i hate that I LIKE U SO MUCH


and damn it, it hurts..

nothing to do :P

got this from puchi's blog. dh takde keje buat ler. haha.

INSTRUCTION :
a) Bold the statements that are true to you.
b) Italicize the statements that you WISH are true.
c) Leave the fibs alone.

Then, stab 3 people to do the same test...

1) I miss somebody right now. (i wish he misses me too)
2) I do not watch tv these days.
3) I wear glasses or contact lenses.
4) I love to play video games.
5) I have tried marijuana.
6) I have been in a threesome.
7) I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
8) I have changed mentally over the last year.
9) I curse.
10) I’m totally smart.
11) I’ve broken someone’s bones.
12) I’m paranoid sometimes.
13) I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
14) I need money right now.
15) I love sushi.
16) I talk really, really fast.
17) I have long hair.
18) I have lost money in Las Vegas.
19) I have at least one sibling.
20) I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
21) I couldn’t survive without Caller ID.
22) I like the way I look.
23) I am usually pessimistic.
24) I have a lot of mood swings.
25) I have a hidden talent.
26) I’m always hyper.
27) I have a lot of friends.
28) I have pecked someone of the same sex.
29) I enjoy talking on the phone.
30) I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
31) I love to shop.(bile ade duit la kan)
32) Enjoy window shopping.
33) I would rather shop than eat.
34) I don’t hate anyone.
35) I’m a pretty good dancer.
36) I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
37) I have a cell phone.
38) I believe in God.
39) I am an adrenaline junkie.
40) I watch MTV on a daily basis.
41) I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
42) I’ve rejected someone before.
43) I want to have children in the future.
44) I have changed a diaper before.
45) I’ve called the cops on a friend before.
46) I’m not allergic to anything.
47) I have a lot to learn.(like really a lot!)
48) I’m shy around members of the opposite sex.(depends..)
49) I have made a move on a friends’ significant other or crush in the past.
50) I have tried alcohol before.
51) I own the South Park movie.
52) I would die for my best friend.
53) I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
54) I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
55) I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
56) Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
57) I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
58) I am happy at this moment!
59) I’m obsessed with girls/guys.
60) I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met.
61) I study for tests most of the time.
62) I am comfortable with who I am right now.
63) I have more than just my ears pierced.
64) I walk barefoot wherever I can.
65) I have jumped off a bridge.
66) I love sea turtles.
67) I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
68) Plan on achieving a major goal & dream.
69) I’m proficient in a musical instrument.
70) I hate office jobs.
71) I love sci-fi movies.
72) I think water rules.
73) I went college out of state.
74) I like sausages.
75) I love kisses.
76) I fall for the worst people.
77) I adore bright colours.
78) I can’t live without black eyeliner.
79) I don’t know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
80) I usually like covers better than originals.
81) I can pick up things with my toes.
82) I can whistle.
83) I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snake’s slither.
84) I have ridden/owned a horse.
85) I still have every journal I’ve written in.
86) I can’t stick to a diet.
87) I talk in my sleep.
88) I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
89) I have jazz in my blood.
90) Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
91) I wear a toe ring.
92) I can’t stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
93) I am a caffeine junkie.
94) I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
95) I have been to over 15 conventions.
96) I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
97) I’m an artist.
98) I only clean my room when necessary.
99) I like a person of the same sex. (close frens)
(100) I love being happy.

last day

so 2day is my last working day at Megah Tech Sdn Bhd. I've decided to start work at Syncoates on monday and manage to negotiate with my boss about the payment.hush hush. :P

tahla kenape i feel inferior plak harini. i always do pun. haih. maybe cuz i feel alone working here although ramai. mcm if i'll go pun, like they care la kan.

why do i have to care anyway? tah pape tah. mrepeks!

yeay!

yeay! i finally got the call from the sg buloh's company(syncoates). setelah sekian lame menanti. haha. alhamdulilah.

now tgh pkir nk brenti immediately or tggu 2 weeks. or 1 week. LOL.

the thing is, syncoates ask me to start work on monday. it seems mcm deaorg nk cepat. but then my boss said i have to pay half my gaji if i want to quit immediately. agak byk ar. cuz klu ikut agreement i have to give 2 weeks notice. but then klu stay pun mcm xde makna jer.

so i called syncoates and mdm kalai said she will discuss with the chemist first and asked me to call her back. so tgkla macamane.

wutever pun. i got the job. yeay!

my sayangs

and i miss u guys too. although u guys dekat je. but susah nk kumpul together rite?

sangaaaat suke ngn gambar2 ini. it just makes me smile. sayang korang! muahx!

rindu!

i miss these girls.rindu!!

stronger than yesterday

i realize something today.

i realize that i have to get hurt in order to be stronger.

i realize that GOD give me pain to make me a better person.

for instance, i think GOD make my mum sick of leukemia to make me stronger. i used to be so lemaah semangat. i cry a lot. i can't stand pressure. i still am actually but i am stronger now. at least stronger than before. i always feel down and then mengadu to my mother. cuz she's the only one who could understand how i feel and she always make me feel better. make me smile again. she give me semangat. but then when she's sick, it's the other way around. i have to be strong to make her strong. although i'm faking it, konon2nye la kuat semangat kan, but i beleive that slowly i make myself stronger.

then there's this hell of an experience during my practical training. beleive me, i felt like i want to kill myself. i admit i'm a bit dependent. and that experience teach me to be independent. and of course, stronger.

i used to be so afraid of falling in love. so scared to be in a relationship again. cuz i've been hurt before and i don't wanna be hurt anymore. takut giler ar. still takut gak but dulu lagi teruk. i keep running away if a guy approach me or if i like someone. i couldn't take the risk. i beleive that it'll come to me. x pyh susah2 pegi carik pakwe. but then, the experience with a guy not so long ago make me think again. we actually had sort of a scandal thingy between us. i liked him and he liked me. but it didn't work. somehow, i don't regret having that relationship with him. i think that GOD bagi i jumpe him to make me realize that the world is wide. go for it. there's nothing to lose.

i remember he said,

"ko xleh camni hana. kalau ko tunggu2, smpai biler pn ko takde pakwe. mmgla jodoh tu ade. tp jodoh tu tak dtg kat ko mcm tu je. ko kene kluar dr kepompong ko ni. knape ko kene pkir bende yg sedih2, pkir bende yg happy je. klu tak jadi, ko x pyh pkir sedih2, ko pkir happy nye ko dpt bertemu ngn org tuh, dpt spend time ngn dea, dpt kenal dea walaupun dea tak suke ko.."

hmmm.betul jugak kan.

and i did kluar from my kepompong. at least kluar la sket beberapa tapak. hahaha. and i beleive that was GOD's plan. GOD wants me to meet him to make me see the world in a brighter view. and yes, to make me a stronger person.

now i'm stronger than yesterday.

(ceh cam lagu britney plak :P)

;>

I realize all my previous posts is all about me complaining.i feel a bit better now. probably after having a few conversation with my frens and family. also after reading a book recommended by a fren and a few articles of inspiring motivational stories.i know i shouldn't be that way.i should be positive.i wanna be stronger.everything happens for a reason.GOD have plans for us.For me.GOD will help me.Insyaallah.

clumsy

i dont know why but i like the lyrics of this song.lagu dea pun not bad.comeel..

reminds me of zaman teenagerku where i can't help it but fall in love with all the wrong guys.is it really love anyway?

Clumsy-Fergie

Can't help it The girl can't help it [repeat 3x]


First time That I saw your eyes
Boy you looked right through me, mmmhmm
Play it cool But I knew you knew
That cupid hit me, mmm mmm

You got me trippin, stumbling, flippin, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
You got me slippin, tumbling, sinking, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
So in love with you

Can't help it The girl can't help it [repeat 3x]

Can't breath When you touch me, see
Butterflies so crazy, mmm mmm
Whoa now, think I'm goin down
Friends don't know whats with me, mmm mmm

You got me trippin, stumbling, flippin, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
You got me slippin, tumbling, sinking, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
So in love with you

Can't help it The girl can't help it [repeat 3x]

You know, this isn't the first time this has happened to me
This love sick thing
I like serious relationships and
A girl like me dont stay single for long
Cuz everytime a boyfriend and I break up
My world is crushed and I'm all alone
The love bug crawls right back up and bites me and I'm back

Can't help it The girl can't help it [repeat 3x]

You got me trippin, stumbling, flippin, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
You got me slippin, tumbling, sinking, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
So in love with you
So in love with you
So in love with you

tolongla..

dilema dilema..

i'm sitting here at the office thinking what should i do today, considering i wanna quit the job.

nk quit ke tak?

ble org company sg buloh nk call ni?

if they call, i straight away nk ckp to my boss.

tolongla call.

luahan hati..

2day i'm not working.

not because i'm sick but because i dont wanna go to work. bolela dikatakan sakit jugak. sakit emotionally. stress. i wanna quit my job because i just can't do it. but i keep thinking nnti ape org pkir. i'll be like a loser. baru sebulan keje dh give up.

i'm waiting for the response from this other company. i really really hope i get that job. a chemist. my fren yg recommend to her boss. they mmg looking for a lady chemist. to accompany my fren cuz rite now she's the only girl. so i harap2 sgt dea call today,but tak call2 pun. if i get the job, at least alasan munasabah sket. ade better offer. but klu tak dpt pun, i think i still wanna quit. but tula, like i said, nnti mcm loser plak. tp klu hati dh tak kat keje tuh, camne?lagi down kang. haih. dlm dilema tul.

these past few days i feel so tertekan. nk crite pun xtau camne. i wanted to like meluahkan perasaan but dont know how. but i'll try here.

i always feel like i'm a loser. byk sgt kekurangan. so ble xleh wat something, i feel so down. mcm ape istimewanya aku nih?smue aku xleh wat. i'm blur, lembab, cepat lupe and sgt lurus. i guess it's bcuz i'm very the jujur person. i hate lies.

pastu slalu rase mcm xde org amik berat psl i. xde org concern. i want attention gak kot. nk perhatian org. nk ade org slalu bg support and motivation. maybe be4 this slalu ngadu masalah to my mum. and she'll be the one yg slalu ckp.."u can do it".., "i beleive in u".., and "saba la, kuatkan semangat, doa byk2". and ble dea ckp camtu, i feel cam..org lain pn beleive in me, why can't i do it?but now ble dea dh sakit, dea plak yg slalu ngadu. so the attention is all to her.nobody really knows how i feel.

same goes ngn kwn2. dlu ade la this one best fren.slalu ngadu masalah to her. she's like my sister. and she'll support me and bg kata2 semangat. but now, since dh ade pakwe, jarang sket la nk talk stuff like that. ade tuh ade but lain la sket.

so tula dea,i feel so alone. pakwe pun takde. haih.

so kesimpulan drp post nih, wa pun tatau. sekadar luahan hati je. :P

Fear of falling in love

Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it. Love can make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it.So take your time and choose the best.

love can make u happy but often it hurts. this is so true. and that is why i'm so afraid of falling in love or having a relationship. although deep down inside i want it.

i've been there. and it hurts like hell. i dont wanna be hurt anymore.please let the next guy be 'the one'.

:(

why is it so hard to live this life?

can i just skip all the susah-ness and be sucessfull in a blink of an eye?

of course not.but i wish i can.

sometimes i wish to be peter pan. be a child forever and ever.no need to worry about anything.

i cant help it. i worry about things too much. in a negative kind of way.

haih.camnela org bole jadi kuat semangat eh?why can't i be that way?

God, Help me.

it's working time!

i'm excited and nervous as well.

excited to travel and meeting people.

nervous to actually perform my duties.

starting next week, probably i'll be actually doing my job.i have to go to hospitals and clinics and introduce myself and actually do sales.

sometimes i thought to myself, apela gatal sgt gi amik keje sales.but somehow i'm interested in it which i dont even know why. maybe bcuz of the fact that i can meet people and travel. and also actually cuz i wanted to improve my communication skills.kononnyerla.

dahla i ni pemalu orgnyer(ngehehe :P ). jumpe org baru, nk ramah2 ni..haih..susahnyela kan. tp ble dah get to know tuh, should be ok la. i want to buang all the malu-ness and the lembut-ness in me. takdela fully buang kan. nk jadi ape tuh? tp u know what i mean.i'm still trying.

hopefully everything turns out well. hope i can do it. insyaallah.

cuak siot!

i'm scared.i'm freaking scared.

it's like i'm not ready for the real life yet.i'm not ready to be 'berkerjaya' as what some of my frens said. i mean, i want to be successfull tp nk mule bekerja tuh..cuak siot!!

the thing is, i have a very very loooww self esteem. seriously.

be4 this, even worse! but after my mum's sick, i became a lil bit stronger. yerla cuz i have to be strong to make my mum strong.

tp tula..it's like in everything that i do, wat salah sket, i feel teribble already. i feel bad about myself. terase bodoh la, life sucks la.tah pape jela kan.

i need motivation.like serius motivation.something that could make me stronger. something yg bole menguatkan semangat. something that could push me. or maybe someone.

i admire those yg dtg from family yg susah. from kampung. cuz they have motivation. they all bersungguh to study hard and bersungguh carik duit to help their family. unlike me, i dont have that sort of motivation. lagi tension ade la. mcm dibayangi oleh my dad's achivements. ppl would think, why am i not like my father?

maybe its just the way i think. i need to change.

i need help.

yeeah i know.the best help is from myself.i need to help myself.

*sigh*

=)

i feel so stupid about the fight with my mum.after sesi luahan perasaan (sort of) to a fren at work, suddenly terasa sangatla bodoh dan tah papenyer. not to mention terase super duper bersalah. ape taknye?dibukaknye cite psl syurga dan nabi,fuhh gile menyedarkan. tapi takpe, what he said was super duper true. so with his advice which is to ckp baik2 with my mum, i dont know why,suddenly my mum pn kasi wat open hse tuh.and i was so happy and excited!

so tadi was the open house. it was fun! invited my close frens.small gathering je tp meriah!they all lepak lame gak la.from tgh hari until about 6.30 baru balik.sronok sangat.jarang dpt lepak ramai2 camni.yg klakonyer, iye2 bergambar.byk plak tuh.i wanted to upload some of the pics.tp ade problem lak.maybe later.when i look at the pics, they simply make me happy. =)

haih

jiwa kacau.

everytime gaduh with my mum, i feel guilty.

i know i'm wrong. tapi tah.am i?

haih

Me vs Mama

*sigh*

I just had a fight with my mum.

It’s about the open hse I plan to do. I asked her if I can do it and she said no. The reason is because…

“nanti mama nk duduk mane?”

”mama nk jln2 buat ape smue tak bebas”

”hana kene cnsider,mama ni bukannye sihat sgt.sakiiit.”

I didn’t ask her to do anything!! Ape kene mengene with her sakit plak?!

And then she told me to just do it at hani’s place because the plan was with hani kan. Yea I don’t mind but it’s just that I really really wanted to do it at my place because my frens smue jarang dtg my house and some of them tak penah masuk pun. padahal dh kwn bertahun. And besides, it was my idea of doing the open hse. Mmg dh lame dh teringin nk wat open hse for my close frens tp be4 this I was in JB rite, so mane ade peluang. Klu wat at hani’s place, it’s not the same feeling anymore. Cuz I was so semangat of having them at my place. So skrg dh tak semangat dah. Dh takde mood dah. I’m actually mad.

Setakat nk ade some close frens kat umah, what’s the big deal?! It’s not like they gonna kacau her. Ok fine. Maybe privacy kurang sket but come on la. Bukannye slalu! Raya je! She said jemput jela dtg. Meaning x pyh wat open hse. X pyh bersiap2 smue. Isn’t it the same?? Nnti they all dtg, same je situasi nyer!

Haih. Tak phm la! Sometimes I just feel that she’s making her sakit sbg alasan. So that I ikut ckp dea. So that I feel guilty. I feel trapped tau. Stucked.

Kenape everything that I do, kene tanye dea dlu? Everything I wat kene dea approve? Mane I pegi kene mintak permission? I’m not a little girl anymore la!! I dah besar.pandaila jage diri. Why must I be someone that she wants me to be? Why can’t I be myself?? Ble pkir balik kan, it’s like everything that i wanted to do in my life tak tercapai because my mum tak kasi. Contohnye, I wanted to panjat gunung or join jungle trekking but my mum wont let me. I wanted to pegi vacation with my frens, my mum wont let me. What can I do then?? My life has been controlled by my mum ever since I was a little girl. Smue bende tak boleh. Ok fine I understand mase kecik, she have to jaga me because I’m a girl. I’m the only girl in the family. And I appreciate it because it made me who I am today. I’m not spoiled, I don’t have social problems and I slalu igt tuhan. But now bile dah besar, I don’t want to be in control anymore. I want to do things on my own. I want to be independent. I want to grow up!

susah tul la. i have my own dreams. i have my things that i want to do and at the same time kene pkir her expectations jugak. camne tuh? trapped in between.

I takde niat pn nk lukakan hati dea ke ape. I mean, i know la for a fact that she’s a mum. She worries about everything. But I just wish she learns to let me go on my own. Let me have a life. I know at this moment, she thinks that I don’t need her. She doesn’t matter anymore. Cuz like I said, she always thinks that way nowadays. Sejak dea sakit nih. But it’s not like that. I need her! I need her to support me. I need her to understand. Sometimes I think she’s being selfish. She thinks about herself je rather than anybody else. Tak penah ke dea terpikir how I feel, how my dad feels, and how my brothers feel. We are struggling too mama. We’re trying hard to be strong and support you. U think things are going to be good if u’re not around? It’s gonna be a disaster. Cuz u are the one who holds this family together.

Haih. Gitula citenye. Panjang lebar.

Next Monday my mum masuk hospital. Doing her supposed-to-be-final treatment. Hopefully. And I myself probably dh stat keje. Like really keje. So mesti jiwa kacau nnti. My dad lak takde. Dea pegi Moscow for work. So I guess I have to handle everything. When my mum is in the hospital, jiwa kacau jela nnti. Tah camne la kan. With me keje lagih.

Oh God. Give me strength. Tolong la jadikan treatment process tu berjalan dgn lancar. And help me with my work too. Amin.

kesangapan..

i'm so sleepy and tersangatla bosan duk kat opis nih.dr pg ngadap pc cam nk terkeluar dh biji mate.hahaha.biasela baru stat keje.nothing much lagi.dtg opis,duk ngadap pc pastu balik. :P

anyway,met andrew just now.schoolmate dlu.duk dekat je with my office sbnrnye.so since i'm alone,ajak la dea lunch.it was nice meeting up with him.dh lame gile doh tak jumpe.since skola dlu kot.so we were talking about a lot of stuff.he's so different from back then.the best part is cuz dea blanje mkn!ngahahhaha.wish dpt lepak lame lagi.tp tadi pn terlebih mase lunch hour.sronok jumpe kwn lame nih.i wish i could meet up with all my long lost frens.

haa i was ym-ing with hani tadi.we were planning on doing an open house.together.but at one place which is mine.insyaallah.tp tak confirm lg la.still discussing.saje je,i yg rs nk wat open hse and then suddenly hani suggest share duit masak same2.so i thought,bole jugak.fun tau berkumpul ramai2 with close frens.exspecially skrg dh susah nk get together smue skali.time raye ni la baru boleh kot.tgk mcamane.i have to talk 2 my mum 1st.nnti dea membebel plak.sometimes she just wants some privacy at home.

hmm another half an hour to go.cepatla.gue nk balik.kesangapan!

ohh mlm ni nk gi gig They Will Kill Us All @ Laundry.lepak with kaz la kot.andrew pn kate he might gi curve gak.i'm not sure actually.nk gi tgk tp cam takut penat.takde keje pn penat kan.haih.tak phm tul.

menghitung mase..

huhu usha youtube jap ar.

adios

Things i always wanted to do but never did

• learn to play the guitar
• make my own music
• learn japanese language
• go to taman negara
• trekking and caving
• rock climbing
• water rafting
• play futsal regularly(have a team)
• be a good cook(still learning)

It's either i dont have money,not enough motivation or just sbb takde geng to do it. Basically sbb takde geng. So sesape yg agak2 teringin nk wat bendalah2 nih, jemput la gue. :)

i'm back!

setelah sekian lame tak blog or actually blog-delete-blog-delete process, i decided to start blogging again.xtau la tahan smpi bile.LOL.cuz blogging ni sbnrnye ble dh mls tuh mls la kan.huhu.

so..what's new about me?

well,i just got a job.i've been working for about 2 weeks now.how is it?nothing much really.cuz blum dpt keje yg btul2.just training2 je lagih.today is the 4th day of raya and i have to work.work la sangat kan.tak buat pape pun.sebab tuh blog nih.smue still cuti.tinggal me and the akak admin.so nk training mendenye?menyangap jela.hahaha.my office is at kelana jaya centre point.it's a small company selling medical devices.i work as a sales executive.so basically..tukang jual brg la.i dont even know if i can do it.cuak gak!dhla tak reti nk berckp.but what i love about the job is cuz byk berjalan.i have to travel a lot.meeting ppl.ditambah plak ngn org2 di sini yg sgtla baik.so far so good la.lps ni xtaula mcmane.hopefully i can do it.my mum tak approve sgt actually.klu boleh dea nk suh berenti skrg.she risau sgt cuz i have to travel smue.on my own in the future.but i ignore her.i guess dea kn pkir gak.i've grown up.i'm not a child anymore.i can take care of myself.at least,let me give it a try.klu takleh,carila keje lain. :P

my mum pn nowadays cepat bnor terase.terlebih sensitif.maybe cuz dea dh tinggal umah sesorg.kesian gak.but what to do?pastu ade la a few problems.cam dea tak suke my work.and then my brother nk amik master which involves something yg cam xde kene mengene with his field.so my mum cam tak approve gak.mcm2 la.so she feels like her opininons doesnt matter anymore.xde org kisah psl dea.lebih baik dea mati.something like that la.haih.sedih gak ble dea pkir camtu.tapi..adui..susah tul hidup nih.nk pkir diri sniri.nk pkir mak bpk jugak.and she said i tak pentingkan family.like..helloooo..i think about my family all the time.everytime i smayang,i pray for my mum.i pray that penyakitnye disembuhkan.i pray dea dipanjangkan umur.i pray supaya kuatkan semangat dea.and dea bole ckp camtu?haih takpela.sbg anak,bersabar jela.syurga di bwh tapak kaki ibu yer dak?

life is complicated kan?camne pun,kene go through gak.

ya allah ya tuhanku,kuatkanla semangatku dan tabahkanla hatiku menempuh segala dugaan yg kau berikan.amin.